


There's no ground underneath my feet

by GonerLoner



Series: vent fics [7]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (implied) - Freeform, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Loss of Parent(s), Team as Family, esp felix, everyone is there for felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 18:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20710880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonerLoner/pseuds/GonerLoner
Summary: What do you do if you get the call that your mother was in an accident and she might not survive the night?





	There's no ground underneath my feet

**Author's Note:**

> Hello...another vent-oneshot from me.  
Something like this happened to me like a week ago...and this was kind of the reaction I had to it. Only it wasn't my mother, but it was my dad - and she called me, saying he wouldn't make it much longer. He had been in the hospital for two weeks before that. And last night...he lost the fight against his various organ issues and he died peacefully.  
Dunno why I'm telling you this - maybe because I need to grasp it because I haven't cried any tear since I got the news and it's freaking me out a bit so I'm projecting onto Felix (I'm so sorry, sweetie) and make him cry for me instead.  
I don't mean to imply anything by writing things like that here. It probably also is way too OOC but that's like the least of my worries rn.  
It's a vent piece so I wrote this all in the last like three hours and didn't correct it.

**“The stages of grief and mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life, across many cultures. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human, or animal.”**

** _( s a t u r d a y , 0 6 : 4 6 p m )_ **

Felix had never paid close attention to when the model of the five stages of grief had been explained in school. He never had a reason to. 

That didn’t change when he came to Korea - his family in Australia was healthy and well. They missed him, yes, just as much as he missed them - but he had no reason to particularly worry about them.

A staff member entered the dressing room where makeup artists were putting the last finishing touches on the boys’ faces.

“Fifteen more minutes until showtime!” he called. Chan looked up, he was closest to the door. 

Chan nodded and let his gaze roam around the room, chuckling at the sight of Felix who was caught up in a wave of hairspray and coughed quietly as the stylist lady was finished. 

“Sorry,” she apologized with a smile. “You’re finished now.”

“Thank you.” Felix stood up quickly and walked over to the couch next to the door, helping Hyunjin who was struggling to put on his microphone set.

The rapper smiled in thanks and squeezed his hand briefly before he looked behind Felix with a frown. “Is this your phone?”

“Huh?” Felix turned around and indeed, there was a ringing sound coming from where they had piled their bags.

With a quick glance towards the clock on the wall, he rushed to find it in his bag - the second it stopped ringing.

_ 3 missed calls from _ Dad _ , 7 new messages from _ Olivia _ and _Rachel.

His frown deepened. 

What happened?

He swallowed, his hand tightly grasping the seam of his stage jacket. 

_ He might still have time to read the messages… _

Vaguely, he felt Jeongin coming up behind him, arms curling around his shoulder as he unlocked the phone and went into Rachel’s chat.

_ ‘Please answer the phone. Dad is trying to reach you...it’s urgent.’ _

“Everything okay, Lix-hyung?” Jeongin’s chin was hooked over his shoulder, his tone laced with a veil of concern.

Quickly, Felix locked his phone again. “Hey, don’t read my messages, kid!” He patted Jeongin’s hands away, trying to ignore the unwell feeling in his stomach. “Everything’s alright.”

“Sure? You don’t seem-”

Chan’s clap interrupted him and both of them looked up. 

“Let’s go, guys!” He looked over to Jeongin and Felix and smiled, excitement mixing with the stress in his expression. “We gotta go - let’s give STAY a show they won’t forget!”

Jeongin straightened up quickly and waited for Felix to put his phone back away again. “Are you sure everything’s alright?” Big, sparkly eyes locked with Felix’s own and he had to swallow.

If he was being honest...no, he wasn’t. 

The only other time where his family had tried to reach him so urgently was when...when his Grandma had been in the hospital because she had a stroke.

A sudden weight started to press on Felix’s chest and he took in a shuddering breath, trying to breathe it away.

“Hyung…?”

Oh right, he forgot to answer.

“I’m...not really sure. But...I’ll take care of that after the show.” He took Jeongin’s hand, squeezing it in assurance. “Let’s go!” They both quickly left the dressing room after the rest of the group.

** _( s a t u r d a y , 0 9 : 3 4 p m)_ **

The concert had been a success - of course, it was. Stray Kids was the rising star on the K-Pop sky, shining brighter with every performance they gave. And even in comparison to their seniors or to other rookie groups like those who had been performing at the present day, they excelled seemingly without trying.

For a few hours, Felix had been able to shake off the unwell feeling in his bones, the premonition that something horrible had happened.

But the second they entered their dressing room after the show, his eyes wandered towards his bag.

_ Better get it behind me now… _

With a glance towards the rest of the group who had sprawled out on the various couches, laughing and groaning or downing entire bottles of water, he walked towards his bag, rummaging around for his phone.

Looking at the lock screen, his heart sank.

_ 5 missed calls from _ Dad _ and _ Rachel, _ 9 new messages from _Rachel.

This didn’t mean anything good.

Swallowing, he stood up again and quickly walked towards Chan, forcing a smile on his face. 

“Chan-hyung?”

Chan lifted his head from where it was resting against the backrest of a couch. “Yeah?” At Felix’s visibly strained smile and how he bit his lip, he quickly sat up straight, worry creasing his forehead. “What’s up? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to say I’ll be...calling my parents real quick...they’ve been trying to reach me since before the concert.” Felix fiddled with the seams of his sleeves, the patent leathery fabric crackling quietly. 

Chan’s frown deepened. “Shouldn’t that...can’t it wait until we’re at the hotel? I doubt you’ll be getting a quiet place here where you can talk with them.”

Felix shook his head. “No, it’s okay, I’ll just go to one of the restrooms.” By now, it had become increasingly difficult to hide his shaking from Chan and so he just nodded in thanks as the leader eventually let him go and left the dressing room on quick steps.

Luckily, the next restroom for men wasn’t far from their dressing room. Passing a few members from other groups, Felix bowed in greeting quickly, but his mind was thousands of miles away.

What had happened?

_ Oh Lord, please let it not be his Mom… _

Felix had to swallow at the burning pain the thought left in his chest and he had to remind himself again to take step after step.

Open the door of the restroom. Get inside.

Check for other men. No one here.

Hide in one of the stalls, sink on the floor and lean against the wall.

Take out your phone.

_ Calling _Dad …

“Felix! Finally.” Relief sat heavy in his father’s voice and Felix swallowed on the lump in his throat again. 

“I’ve...I had a performance this evening, Dad...I couldn’t answer faster. What...what happened?” He clasped his phone tighter, he didn’t like the way his father was talking.

His father took a deep breath, obviously hesitating to go on. 

“Dad…?”

“I’m in the hospital right now, Rachel and Olivia are with me too...Felix…” His father stopped again, tears bleeding into his tone.

Felix’ nails created burning crescents in the palm of his left hand. “Dad. What. Happened.”

“Your mother...she had an accident.” Another swallow, the faint sound of crying in the background filtering through the phone. 

It sounded like Rachel. 

“It’s...she’s getting surgery right now, but...it’s not clear if she...If she will survive the night.”

_ Surgery. _

_ Survive the night. _

_ Not clear. _

Felix’s hand grew numb.

His mind grew numb.

He was barely able to make out the next words his father said. 

“Is there any way you can come back home in the next days?”

Felix swallowed. “I...I’d have to ask…” Even his numbed brain knew they had a packed schedule for the following days, weeks...there was no way they would allow him to just fly home like this. 

Maybe he would talk to Chan though...maybe he could ask JYP for some time.

Especially if...if the surgery would prove to be...not successful.

Ice grew in Felix’s heart and he clenched his fist tighter.

“I’ll call you tomorrow again.” His voice had sunken into a whisper. 

His father agreed quickly, hesitating before adding: “Don’t stay alone during the night, Felix. Don’t stay alone, for heaven’s sake.”

Tears welled up in his eyes and he carefully rubbed them away, trying to not smudge his stage make-up. “Will do, Dad.”

They ended the call soon after, leaving Felix in a buzz of silence.

Manically, he stood up and left the stall, eyes cast downwards and avoiding to look at any of the men he heard coming into the bathroom.

No one talked to him luckily - but on the way back to the dressing room, he wasn’t as lucky.

“Felix-ah?”

Startled, he looked up, his eyes widening as he saw Park Jihyo standing in front of him. “Jihyo-ssi...hello.” He bowed quickly, wanting to pass her before more tears rushed to his eyes but a tentative hand on his shoulder stopped him.

Jihyo watched him with a frown on her face. “Is everything alright?” She stopped, shaking her head at herself. “Obviously not if you look like you’ve been crying...what happened?”

He chuckled wetly, dabbing at his eyes and clenching his hand around his phone. They took a step to the side, careful to not be in the way of passing idols and staff members.

_ Should he tell her? _

“My mom…” A rush of tears took the decision from him and horror spread through his limbs as he felt himself breaking, sobs tumbling from his mouth faster than he could stop them.

_ And this in front of his idol… _

“Felix??” Jihyo stepped closer, hands coming up to rest on his arms but he barely felt it over the pain consuming his insides. He tried his best to stop the flood - but it was like caging an ocean inside a glass. A futile effort.

She might have talked to him again, but he didn’t fully register it. All those people got too much suddenly, too close, too many strangers.

Air, he couldn’t breathe-

He might have moved again. It was very likely because there were suddenly other voices- voices he knew and strong arms that pulled him against a very familiar chest. 

Felix clung to Chan like he was the only anchor keeping him afloat and he let himself weep.

Understanding what the others were talking about became difficult, their Korean mixing into a jumbled mess of non-understandable words inside his head. 

It didn’t take long for the words to quiet down and suddenly, Chan was sitting and Felix was pulled into his lap, immediately pressing against him again.

“Lixie, hey.” Gentle hands scratched over the back of his neck and as Felix’s eyes fluttered open, he was met with Chan’s smiling, but worried face. Changbin and Minho were sitting next to him, the rest of Stray Kids sitting around the pair. 

They were all watching him with worry in their gaze.

Felix swallowed, hiding his face again. Why couldn’t he crawl into Chan and hide away from the world? For like a few weeks...or forever?

“Want to tell me what happened?”

Oh, Chan wasn’t speaking Korean...that was English.

He could do that...he could speak English.

Felix nodded, the hand that wasn’t clutching his phone coming up to tangle in Chan’s sweatshirt. He was the only one left in his stage clothes...the other ones had all already changed into more comfortable clothes.

“My...my Dad called…” _ Deep breath, Lix, you can do this. Without breaking into tears again. _“My Mom is in the hospital...she...accident and now...surgery- he doesn’t know if she will-” A sob broke him off again and his hands clenched tighter as his body shook.

_ So much for ‘not breaking into tears again’. _

He felt Chan swallow before his arms came up to hug Felix and pull him even closer against his chest. “Oh, baby...I’m so sorry,” he whispered in a rather broken voice, kissing Felix's head. 

Vaguely, Felix heard someone else speaking - _ Seungmin, _he thought. He was probably translating for the ones who still had trouble understanding English.

A hand squeezed around his knee and as Felix looked up, Chan let him go - only for Jisung to wrap himself around Felix.

He didn’t say anything, just holding Felix close - and as he started to cry again, Felix felt Jisung’s chest shake with silent sobs too. 

It made him cling tighter to the other boy - because maybe it was true and their connection was kind of special and helped one to feel the pain the other was feeling. 

Felix hated the thought if it meant Jisung was feeling half the pain he was going through right now.

As Jisung let him go, gentle hands pried the phone away from Felix’s grip and he looked over to see Minho smiling at him, his eyes shining. 

Chan’s hand was rubbing circles into his back. “Let’s get you out of those clothes then we’ll go to the hotel...Cuddle feast in mine and Minho's room. No objections.” Felix nodded obediently, leaning against the elder again as he repeated the order in Korean once again.

He was exhausted...Deeply exhausted.

** _( s u n d a y , 0 0 : 2 4 a m )_ **

Felix should have roomed with Jisung and Jeongin on this trip, but as decided by their leader, room arrangement didn’t play a role this night. 

He was the first to arrive in the room of the two eldest, freshly showered and clothed in his pajamas. Arms hugged around his body, he stood in the door awkwardly, biting his lip and clenching and unclenching his fingers around the phone he was holding.

Minho looked up from where he was sitting on the king-sized bed and typing on his phone. He smiled. “Come here...Chan-hyung is still in the shower.” He opened his arms. 

Felix walked over and crawled into his lap, curling himself into Minho's warm arms and enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped by warmth.

_ The warmth of a mother’s embrace...would he ever feel that again? _

He stiffened, coldness replacing the warmth. No, his mother would survive...there was no way she wouldn’t.

Minho played with his hair, his fingers gently gliding through the strands. “Will you try to get home?”

Felix stayed silent for a few seconds. “I don’t know if I will be allowed...We have a tight schedule the next weeks…”

Minho huffed. “Sure, but-” He hesitated, his fingers halting in their movement. “I’m sure you can get a few free days. STAY and JYP both will understand that it’s urgent because of your mom.”

“I hope so…”

Three rapid knocks on the door and one “Come in!” later, Jisung, Jeongin, and Seungmin tumbled into the room, all fresh from the shower and dressed into fluffy loungewear. 

“Lix-hyung!” 

“Yongbokie!”

They all scrambled to get to the bed, Minho opening his embrace so that the other three could all latch on to Felix in any way they could find.

Despite himself, their behavior made Felix laugh and he crawled from Minho's lap into Seungmin’s embrace, enjoying the warmth and closeness the other gave him.

“She’s gonna get better again, I know it,” Seungmin mumbled into his hair as he held him close, Jisung coming up to press himself against Felix’s back.

“Yes,” he agreed, one arm under Felix’s head and one around his waist. “Your mom is in good hands, Lixie, and they will do everything they can for her to get better again.”

Felix swallowed on a nod, too choked up to try to say something more.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the members to filter in, Chan soon claiming his space as Felix’s main cuddle pillow, Changbin, Jisung, and Jeongin sprawled around and across them. Minho was cuddled against Chan's back, Hyunjin cozying up with Seungmin who had his feet laying across Felix’s own.

He briefly wondered how they once again had managed to fit all eight of them into a bed that was meant for two - but with this amount of closeness they had, everything was possible.

He lifted his hand that was still clutching his phone, staring at it with a gulp.

His members had managed to make him feel better, yeah, but there was still this anxious feeling in his chest, the question of _ What If. _

_ What if she didn’t survive the surgery? What if he wasn’t allowed to go home to visit her… or to say goodbye for one last time? _

The pain must have been written on his face because Chan’s hand came up to gently take the phone away from him, giving it Minho who placed it on the night table before Chan laced his fingers with Felix’s own.

“Do you think…” Felix broke off, hesitating. Why was it even difficult to form this question in English?

“What is it, Lix?” Chan squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Do you think I’d be able...to visit her? To fly back...for a few days?”

Chan hummed in thought. “I don’t know...I will talk to JYP about it tomorrow. It’s true we have a packed schedule...but I’m sure he’ll grant you the days off to visit and look for your mother. As fast as it is possible.”

Feeling Felix’s body starting to shake again, he tightened his grip. “Everything’s gonna be okay, Lix. She’s a fighter, she won’t let you and your sisters and your dad go like this.” He paused, pain coloring his voice dark. “And...even if...just be sure, no matter the outcome: we’re here for you, baby. Minho, Changbinnie, Hyunjinnie, Seungmin, Jisung, Jeonginnie, and me - all of us.” He leaned over to press a kiss to Felix’s forehead.

Tears rushed to spill from Felix’s eyes and he crawled deeper into Chan’s embrace again. the only fleeting reminder of a home he still had.

“Th-thank you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you somehow enjoyed this piece...I'd be very happy about Kudos and comments. <3  
Stay close to your loved ones...and tell them that you love them. Make sure they know before its too late and they can't talk with you anymore.


End file.
